SELF CARE FOR PARENTS of Teen or Adult with Autism or Mental Illness

I have spent most of my life, waiting to be happy.  I now see that as a mistake.  I was believing something that I was telling myself, that really was not true.  I no longer need to be fooled by my old ways of thinking and reacting to life. If I wait until certain conditions are met, before I allow myself to feel good about my life, then with things such as autism or others beyond my control, I condemn myself to be eternally sad, living each day with an attitude of disappointment.  I no longer want to waste my time living like that.  I no longer place ultimatums on life, myself and those I love and care about.  I accept life exactly as it is today.  I accept, love and cherish others and myself exactly as we are right now.  Nothing needs to change in order for me to be "OK" and in order for me to "feel good".  I am powerless to control whether or not my children are affected by autism. I am powerless to control reality as it pre...

I believe that even though I am a parent of sons and a daughter with autism and mental illness, I have a right to experience peace of mind and to do whatever is necessary to maintain that! 1.    I have a right to "pursue happiness" and enjoy the one short life I have been given. 2.    I am worth whatever work it takes to cultivate and maintain a peaceful existence within and I believe that there is a Power much Greater than I am that will do anything to assist me in that endeavor. 3.    I have a right to enjoy the beauty of nature around me!  I can get out of the house and take a walk, clear my mind and seek conscious contact with my Creator. 4.    I have the right to not waste my life consumed by worry and gripped by fear over the future well-being of my sons and daughter. 5.    I have the right to love myself and to make self-care my primary responsibility, just for t...

Tears rolled down my face as I sat on the floor of my closet listening to Marissa on the phone. I had finally put words to what I was feeling inside and she was responding to what I had shared.  I barely knew Marissa, but she and I were both parents.  We had both gone through and were going through grief.  She had lost her son to death.    “For me it is kind of like a death in that, I grieve the death of the hopes and dreams that I had for my sons and daughter.” I told Marissa. Recently my son who has high functioning autism, also started having psychosis.  He is 18 years old and now like his older sister, who has had a diagnosis of autism, since childhood, was showing signs of mental illness as well. Marissa said that she hoped that I had reminders up around my house that told me to go way out of my way to CUT MYSELF SOME SLACK!!!  I told her that I am typically very hard on myself. She said that she was the same way!  Recently howe...

Thank you so much for reading this Blog!  I would love to hear from you!  You are not alone! We are all in this together!  I would enjoy hearing how things are going with you.  Please leave a comment or email me directly at: This new email: gratefulheartdawn@gmail.com

We know the drill:  "Parents!  First put on your own oxygen mask!  Before you attempt to assist your child with theirs!"  So why is it so difficult to remember?  Parents of children with Autism (or a similar challenge) usually exhaust themselves into emotional, physical and financial bankruptcy before they are willing to consider self care.  Our marriages end or are in shambles, our children hate us, we have lost our homes or savings, our jobs are neglected, and our doctors...have never seen us before...and we are depressed, anxious, and have forgotten how to enjoy life.  It is time to take care of ourselves first, or we will have no life at all.  It will soon all fade to black, if we don't FIRST put on our own oxygen mask.  When I got word of a parent's death, I was stunned.  I thought of myself as one of her "supports".  I hadn't seen her in a number of months.  We used to be occassional "walking buddies."  We ha...

I think most of my suffering comes from the "stories" that I make up in my mind about events or people over which I am powerless.  It is not the event itself, but what I continue to tell myself about it.  I believe that it is the mind chatter, the toxic fear based "what if" scenarios running unquestioned that have caused me a lot of unnecessary suffering. It is how I have tried to manage/control my fear.  Just for today, I can practice relying on my Higher Power* for a more accurate perspective and to recognize that the "stories" I make up are just that. I can pause now and become aware that I am fully immersed in my Higher Power's/God's Loving Presence and I can see myself and my life events from that perspective. Today I am going to practice recognizing and suspending the rehearsed "stories" I try to tell myself. I am going to pause, and breathe deeply.  "Higher Power in" and then exhale, "everything else out...

I have found a WONDERFUL FREE Self Care resource for you!!!  It is available worldwide.  I have been personally using it everyday.  WHAT A GIFT FOR PARENTS!!!  Run, do not walk, to the nearest Parents Meeting of Al-Anon in your area!   I have been attending multiple meetings every week for over a year.   It is the best resource I have found for Parents of Youth or Adults with Autism/Aspergers/ADHD/Mental Illness! At those meetings I am learning how to cope with my sons and daughter's autism and mental illness, in ways that are  quality of life enhancing for all concerned .  My children with autism are now ages 17, 19 and 21 years old.  Practicing this program has improved the lives of my entire family. The Al-Anon Literature is very applicable, if you just substitute the word "Autism, Aspergers,ADHD or Mental Illness" for Alcohol or Alcoholic.   This substitution opens up a treasure trove of  valuable coping strategies regar...

“Wow, you certainly have your hands full!” If I had a nickel for every time I heard that expression, I would be a very rich woman!  As a parent of multiple children on the Autistic Spectrum it has been VITAL that I take time for Self Care.  I wanted to share what has worked for me in this Blog.  I would like to hear from you!  What have been your Self Care Strategies that you have found helpful as a parent?     autismcaregiver@gmail.com What has been helpful for me is:  1.       Contact with Other Parents of Children with Autism, Aspergers or ADHD.   Sharing funny stories has actually been the most therapeutic!  It has so helped me during difficult times to think, “This is not funny right now…..But when I share it with some other moms…They will find it hilariously funny and I will be able to laugh too!”  Now that is QUALITY THERAPY like no other!   Sharing similar stories with oth...

Seeking out Comedy and Humor in my life is Excellent Self Care!   Here is a story that I find funny:   I needed something that would take my mind off of parenting 3 children with Autism.  I needed some "me" time or a hobby that I could enjoy and use to relax.  So, the answer I thought was a cute little puppy.  I searched long and hard for "the perfect dog".  Finally after searching a number of possibilities, I decided on a breed I thought would be perfect!  I was thrilled.  We got our dog.  It was the cutest thing I had ever laid eyes on (besides my children of course).  The little puppy grew into a big fluffy bundle of joy!  A wild big bundle of joy.  So, I enrolled him in "Doggie Obedience School".  It wasn't long before the Lead Doggie Trainer approached me and asked to speak with me after class one day.  After all the other Owners and their dogs walked to their vehicles, I was curious to find ou...

Sometimes I beat myself up mentally.  I tell myself that I am not a good parent.  Or I interpret the stares of others to contain that judgement.  But what is the Truth?  Is the truth that, "if only I tried harder....If only I were a better...."? The truth is that, just like you, I am doing my best in a very difficult situation with the resources that I have available at the time.  The truth is that "I am enough and I am doing enough."  Any time I spend, beating myself up with unreasonable expectations, is waisted time.  I no longer need to waist my life with that self-destructive behavior.  The truth is that, any time I spend on being kind and gentle to myself is time well spent.  What can I do today to be kind and loving, to me?  When I first care for myself, I have similar kind and loving resources that I can share with my family.  Just for today, I will take the time to remember what I found enjoyable before "autism"....

My son/daughter, is not my Report Card for self worth as a human being.  I get into trouble when I forget that. If my daughter has a bad day at school, it does not mean that my value as a person and parent is likewise not OK.  With Autism, there are ups and downs a lot .  It is best if I don't get on that roller-coaster and ride it like it determines how well I am doing as a parent. The phone rings, and my heart drops.  "Oh no!  Not again!"  And my day ends up being a tortured dance of me kicking myself and thinking that I am responsible for "making" my daughter behave normally.  What happens to my daughter today, has nothing to do with my value as a human being.  I am not responsible for her autism.  I did not cause it, for today I cannot cure it, and I no longer see it as my job description to control it.  

My job is not to try to force a change to anyone's journey here on earth.  My job is to accept them exactly as they are.  My opportunity is to love and find ways to express love for them as they are.

One of the BEST Self Care gifts that I have ever given to myself is finding another person who will gladly take the time to listen.  As parents we sometimes isolate ourselves for a variety of reasons.  Self Care insists that we make a commitment today, to find at least one person with whom we feel comfortable and who will listen to us.  We desperately need to speak our truth...and be heard.  This is the essence of Self Care.  Do you know another parent of a child/youth/adult with Autism or other challenge?  Self Care is finding  someone who will listen without judgement and without tryin to "fix".   Find a few of these people you can call, email, text, visit or write. One of our most desperate needs is to be heard.  Especially when we are Parents of someone with Autism.  I have 3 children with Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Many people have taken the time to listen to me over the years.  Without judgement, or th...

Last night we went to visit our daughter in the Psych Ward.   I know, I know, I am the mom who has four children and three of them have autism.   Why am I talking about a Psych Ward?   Well…our daughter (with High Functioning Autism) who is 18, started seeing things that weren’t there and hearing voices a little over a year ago.      This has progressively gotten much worse in the past couple weeks.   To the point where she can no longer tell that these delusions are not reality.   She is living in them all day, now most days.    Disbelief is the term that describes my state of mind, in our surreal drive to the Psych Hospital.   If only this were just a nightmare, that I could be assured that I would soon wake up from.   But,no…[After a few playful face slaps to myself]….No, this is not a nightmare.   I am already awake.   Life is not supposed to go like this!  The visit was very difficult to e...

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I am a mom of 4 children.  Three of them have Autism.  Most people gasp, after that statement.  I know what that is like.  When I only had one child with Autism, I remember calling a mom that I had heard had three children on the autistic spectrum .  I just had to call her, just to hear her voice.  I thought my situation was overwhelming with just ONE (so I thought at the time) child with Autism.  I could not imagine having more than one. It was kind of a morbid curiosity that I had... to find out what a person would "sound like", that was parenting three children with autism.  Forgetting all appropriate phone protocol, I blurted, "I don't think that I would still be alive, if I had THREE with Autism!  I think I would have lost it, and that I would be in the fetal position in my closet."  I was embarrassed that I could not come up with something....anything else to say to this poor woman! "Ah....If you don't mind my asking...How...